Athletes behaving stupidly

HT: Josh

So true.

Hockey player gives away stick, hilarity ensues

The perfect Christmas gift for the lady in your life

The Lambeau Leap isn't as effective in hockey

Things start off well enough this video. Swedish guy scores a nice goal in slow motion while Bobby McFerrin yammers in the background. And that's when things go horribly wrong.

There's no way this is real but it's fun to pretend it is

He got what he deserved

HT: Babs

Wii may need a new TV

But can he do the Smooth Criminal lean?

How to destroy $250,000 worth of vodka in one easy step

Happy Halloween

A bat kept flying on the court and interrupting play during an NBA game yesterday. That is, until Manu Ginobili took matters into his own hands:

Numa Numa man extends fame into 16th minute

Remember this guy?


Well, he recently resurfaced at halftime with the Michigan State marching band:

For all you lawyer types

Here's a very interesting story. It's worth a read for anyone interested in the law's treatment of defamation in the Internet age.

The backstory is this. Yesterday, Deadspin, the most popular sports blog on the Internet with about 4 million views per month, unleashed holy war on its longtime foil, ESPN. Without summarizing all the sordid details, basically Deadspin was miffed that when they asked ESPN awhile back whether certain rumors about Steve Phillips were true, ESPN denied them. Well, the rumors were confirmed yesterday when the NY Post blew the lid off of Phillips' Fatal Attraction-esque affair. In retaliation, Deadspin decided to empty its email box of all manner of tips it received from ESPN employees and others regarding similarly scandalous affairs, including those of high ranking executives. This then blew up the Internet and Twitter. It also apparently led to a meeting at ESPN yesterday evening, as reported by Deadspin itself.

Flying still sucks

It's official. Nine year olds are better at hockey than me.

A blast from advertising's past

Here's an old classic that I forgot about long ago:


HT: Etan

Nostradamus is a Seattle Mariners play-by-play announcer

The back-story here is that during the pregame show, Mike Blowers, a Seattle radio announcer, predicted in jest that Mariners third baseman Matt Tuiasosopo would hit a homerun during his second at bat. Blowers didn't stop there. He also predicted the count, where he would hit it and what type of pitch he would hit. Here's what happened:



And to prove it's not fake: http://blog.seattlepi.com/seattlesports/archives/180539.asp

If you need to get psyched up before going to preschool...

A great rendition of Herb Brooks' Miracle on Ice pregame speech:


Hat tip: Simmons

Happy 60th to The Boss

Here's a classic early Springsteen performance of Prove It All Night:



UPDATE
Here's a clip from the time Bruce Springsteen stopped to play with a street performer in Copenhagen:


SECOND UPDATE
OK, one more. Here's Bruce performing Thunder Road at the Capitol Theater in 1978, a concert generally regarded as one of his finest:

Steve Nash's new commercial is....um....interesting

If you're going to run on the field, here's how to do it

The Dan Band gets its due

The Dan Band is a recent favorite of The Tao. So it's nice to see they'll be featured from time to time on Jay Leno's new show. Their first performance was pretty good:



Of course, this is not in the same league as The Dan Band's finest work, as the wedding band in both Old School and The Hangover (click link for video; no embedding allowed).

RIP, Patrick Swayze

I don't think I've ever seen an entire movie with Patrick Swayze (maybe Point Break one time?). However, he did participate admirably in arguably the greatest SNL skit of all time, which is all the more sad because both primary actors are now dead.

Craigslist: for all your suicide bomber needs

Here's the link.

Since it will likely get pulled down, here's the full text:

Experienced Suicide Bombers Available for all your Terror needs (Ramallah)
Date: 2009-09-12, 12:01AM IDT
Reply to: see below

Thank you for viewing our listing.We have experienced Suicide Bombers available for all your terror needs.Many eager Shaheeds waiting to greet 72 Virgins in Heaven.Youve tried the rest we are the BEST.Suicide belts available in all sizes in stock for the Do it Yourselfer.We offer a 5 Hour class for the beginner in suicide bombs.World class Trainers from Pakistan,Syria, Iran are available in more intensive course. We also offer a special PreSchool Division for Early Suicide training.We have 40 years experience in all aspects of terror includind car, truck bombs, airplane hijackings, hostage taking,beheadings. Please contact Abdullah at Fatah Headquarters , Muquata ,Ramallah

* Location: Ramallah
* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
*
* License info: Iran, syria,saudi arabia

Mixing mascots and live animals always has comedic potential

This guy has one job -- ride a horse 50 yards -- and he can't even get it right:

Gus Johnson is mildly excited

It's nice to have football back.

Some things just can't be explained

In an upset, ballboy hurts face instead of namesake

Amateur videographers of the world take note. If you are going to publish a poor quality home video on the Internet, backing it up with some wildly inappropriate background music really spruces things up:

I will now ruin your morning

May I please have your stump-print

Sometimes a headline says it all: "US bank seeks thumbprint of armless man." Yeah, that has to be awkward.

So long, lose weight

I have it on good authority that the following farewell email was circulated at PwC by a departing accountant earlier this week:

As many of you now know this friday will be my last day with PwC so I wanted to say good bye and thank you for everything. My decision to leave was not a snap decision as it may have seemed but a well thought out process. It started one night in the audit room as I was helplessly attempting to focus on some inane, completely irrelevant task so I could leave when the green card carrying cleaning lady came into my cage to empty my garbage when my decision was made. I realized that I was actually jealous of her job. I would have gladly emptied the garbage cans in the whole building over any of the nonsense I was doing on my computer. See, at the end of her shift she has made a difference, she has added value,be it minimal, of removing the refuse from the employees cubes. At the end of the day she sees the empty garbage cans and knows that she accomplished something. When trying to apply this mindset to my own work I found it to be impossible. At the end of my shift, I will have documented a control, that was only created for the sake of having a
control, and my work will get picked apart by anal retentive managers, but ultimately find a home in a cabinet somewhere, only to see the light of day again when it is thrown out in 7 years when it is deemed to be irrelevant. I have added zero value to the client, zero value to my own company, and it has made me routinely daydream about ways to off myself. I find it very hard to be motivated when I know the end result of my work has no impact on anything but simply must be completed because PwC audit guide says it must be completed. What makes this entire process worse is the fact that those around you insist

that this work is crucial to the world's existence and it is essential that you never use abbreviations, that your sheets must be as colorful as possible, and all lines must be drawn with a ruler or else it is clear that PwC will come apart from its hinges. I must have missed out on the brainwashing session that PwC provided all senior associate and managers that taught them how to turn obsessive compulsive up a notch.

Anyway...that was how I came to decide that public accounting was not really for me. A couple other pieces of adivce for my coworkers and the company as I part:

I would greatly encourage some kind of weight loss challenge to be implemented firm wide. The herd of water buffalo you call your work force is embarassing and a bit gross. When I call a co worker over from 2 cubes down and they are legitmately out of breath when they get to my cube it may be time to knock off 10 or 80 pounds. The company seems to encourage this obesity; each busy season we get a giant package full of pixie sticks, chocolate and assorted sweets. As much as I would enjoy type 2
diabetes, I think I'll pass.

Do not ever, ever, ever put one male on a team with all females unless you want him to quit and or commit a hate crime. This is inhumane. One can only endure so many conversations about greys anatomy, weddings, and handbags before they wish for a cancerous tumor in their armpit.

I think the joke is old already, enough with the sarbanes oxley. It was fun while it lasted but there is no way anbody can honestly think that this bullshit is necessary. Oh you want me to pull a sample of the HR file to make sure everyones birthday and hire date is accurate? Yea ill jump right on that, and trust me I'll definitely let you know if there is an exception and not just make up answers that result in me doing less work.

You can easily cut some costs and get rid of the HR department. I'm pretty sure you can train a monkey to send out the available list and a timesheet reminder every two weeks.

So much for having a Plan B

Carson Palmer should fire his agent

Did anyone bother to read the script of this commercial before they signed Carson Palmer up?

It's stupid Harvard student schadenfreude week at the Tao

Ahhhhhahhhhhhahhhhhh! You're an idiot.

Ichiro: prototype lead-off man and baseball philosopher

As this NY Times article proves once and for all, Ichiro is the master of good quotes:

“Chicks who dig home runs aren’t the ones who appeal to me,” he said. “I think there’s sexiness in infield hits because they require technique. I’d rather impress the chicks with my technique than with my brute strength. Then, every now and then, just to show I can do that, too, I might flirt a little by hitting one out."

But that pales next to his epic quote about facing country-mate and nemesis Daisuke Matsuzaka:

“I hope he arouses the fire that’s dormant in the innermost recesses of my soul,” he says. “I plan to face him with the zeal of a challenger.”

Serves her right for wearing that sweatshirt

Greatest moment in Jeopardy history not involving Will Ferrell

"Glitter is the herpies of craft supplies."

Warning: cussing and idiotic visuals.

Thanks Joe.

This is pretty clearly fake

UPDATE: Not only is it fake, but it's a viral advertising campaign for Microsoft. Pretty clever.

The full potential of the Internet has finally been realized

I know this is fake. I'm not that stupid.

Proper mound charging etiquette

Kevin Youkilis charging the mound last night got me thinking about good baseball fights (I'm looking at you Nolan Ryan). However, Youkilis ignored the first rule of charging the mound: take out the catcher first.

That just happened

The Yankles

No, I don't understand it any more than you do.

UPDATE: This video I found on Youtube doesn't clear up much:


UPDATE: Daniel has resolved it. This is going to be memorable.

Vanity plates done right

Some good ones here.

And on the 7th day they .... needed their verterbrate fused back together

Another day in the books

I'll see your dancing wedding and raise you a divorce

Amazingly, the dancing still stinks:

I do this all the time, albeit unintentionally

But really, who hasn't left a voicemail message like this?

Language gets stronger as this progresses:



Thanks Dan.

Martians have landed .... and they're Tiger Woods fans?

Can someone please explain to me what the green man in the bottom left corner is doing?

We're quoting the WSJ. Are we highbrow yet?

In its article on the alleged soccer revolution coming to the United States (I hear the Cosmos are selling a lot of tickets. ZING!), the Wall Street Journal recounts what can only be described as a quintessential NYC interaction between the natives and the FC Barcelona soccer team (if Real Madrid is Spain's Yankees, Barcelona are the Red Sox):

During its U.S. tour last summer, FC Barcelona held a training session one evening in Central Park. The team, including superstar Thierry Henry, practiced in a part of the park’s North Meadow that serves as the outfield for several softball fields. As warm-ups began so did the calls from the clueless nearby beer league softball games for Barcelona to “Get the ---- off the field.”

A "manly mascot" from, where else, Australia

This is what happens when Jews try to dance down the wedding aisle

And you wonder why people hate us.

Face it, other countries' commercials are funnier

Sleepy or dopey?

A Price Is Right classic

Walking down the aisle to Chris Brown doesn't exactly portend a long and happy marriage

Someone posted this video of their wedding 4 days ago and it already has over 1 million hits:

Mets' mascot's crotch fights fence, loses.

Even the Mets' minor league mascot can't get anything right.

Chainsaws + Stupid People = Comedic Gold

Have a good night

Let's go with Michael Jackson one more time. Although he's quite clearly lip-synching, this performance is historically notable for being the first time he publicly performed the moonwalk:

"Frosty Dipplers" and other unappetizing names for donut holes

I've been alerted to these other Hardee's commercials for their new doughnut holes:







I think there are some others, but you're probably already sufficiently nauseous at this point.

Hat tip: Juan.

Hardee's says "give us your poor, your tired, your a-holes...."

Unfortunately, there is almost no chance this is real, but if it is, I think we have a new clubhouse leader for funny commercials:

"Bouncing around like a pogo stick on Viagra"

I don't know what this coach is talking about, but I'm getting motivated anyways:

Sadly, this guy probably makes more money than you do

Letterman had the famous batting stance imitation guy on last night and he didn't disappoint:


From Awful Announcing.

Bud Light: purveyor of un-aired sexism since... I don't know when

A Bud Light commercial that never aired:


From Dan.

DUI truly is the international language

Thanks to Josh for the pointer.

I have seen the future, and it has a mustache

Hat tip to Shayna.

The Maccabiah Games start next week, but you knew that already

Deadspin covers the Maccabiah Games today. It starts with "[T]he Maccabiah Games bring together 7,000 of the world's best Jewish athletes to satisfy their insatiable lust for gold. Whoa. That came out wrong." It's all downhill from there. As you might expect, the comments to the post are pretty hilarious. Here's a sample: "All swimming heats start at least one hour after lunch."

Sweep the groin

If you're a soccer coach, it's probably best not to practice your karate while an opposing player is running past.

Toodles

Sorry about the lack of posts of late. Nothing has particularly tickled me. In the meantime, here's some more music:

Watch out for black bears

Supposedly, this report is from a real newscast. I have my doubts, but if it is kudos to the producer who let them air it. Unrelatedly, if you have any job leads for a former nightly news producer, feel free to pass them along.

Another day in the books

Here's a great find of Bruce, from long before he was famous:

Another Hitler video. This time with feeling (and Michael Jackson).

Strong language here:

"Don't make eye contact, don't make eye contact, don't make.....damn it!"

Courtesy of these guys.

Goodnight (or "I still have no idea what the whole 'teenage wasteland' thing is about")

I guess this kind of explains how Townsend went deaf:

A little free advice for job seekers during these difficult economic times

Thanks to Gabi for this one.

Obligatory Michael Jackson tribute

Since every self-respecting blog is having some sort of tribute to Michael Jackson today, here's my earliest memory of Michael, from Free To Be You And Me:


I like that they're singing about being satisfied with their appearances and not desiring to change. Because if there is one thing Michael Jackson would never have done, it's change himself.

That said, he could dance -- even (especially?) when wearing gold onesies:

Goodnight everybody!

It's good to be back. Here's some music for the evening. You may recognize it from The Big Lebowski.

Where's that flux capacitor when you need one?

Check out this prediction from about a week ago by a NY Times stat head. The guy picks the eventual winner of the US Open. Keep in mind that he was a 200-to-1 longshot to win entering the tournament.

Reason 10,890,982 to be thankful for the Internet: press conference remixes

You brought the blog back for this?

That's all folks

I'm bored of this blog thing. I'll leave the blog up for now, but may pull it down at some later date.

I'm sure this is what his mother dreamed of when he was born

Continuing my irrational obsession with mascots...

Airport temper tantrums are the universal language

Thanks to Rachel for the tip.

Tell it, Paul

Warning: this image will be burned in your brain for life

"Joaquin, I'm sorry you couldn't be here tonight"

The man cold

Has shoe throwing already jumped the shark?

Maybe, but bringing an entire bag of shoes to throw definitely ups the ante

The day the music died

Thanks to Dan for reminding me that today marks fifty years since the plane carrying Richie Valens, The Big Bopper and Buddy Holly crashed, killing all three.

Buddy Holly:

The Big Bopper:

Richie Valens (audio only):

Michael Phelps circa 1992

Actually, it's just a kid who got too much gas at the dentist's office.

The first Golden Hippo award - The Peekabo Paradox

This will mark my first foray into a new feature. From time to time I will post links to some of my favorite news articles. The only thing these articles have in common is that I found them interesting. That is the only criterion. A word of warning: for whatever reason, many of them are profoundly depressing. They also tend to be long.

The first Golden Hippo goes to one of my all time favorites, "The Peekaboo Paradox" by Gene Weingarten at The Washington Post. The article goes off in a wholly unanticipated direction about halfway through, so stick with it.

Also, if you have favorite articles, send them to me.

UPDATE: It was brought to my attention that Weingarten won a Pulitzer this year for this article in which he had a world-famous violinist play in a subway station to see whether commuters would recognize quality music (conclusion: they didn't). Personally, I'm not such a fan of it. It comes off as too gimmicky.

The perils of multiculturalism

This doesn't seem like a fair trade for sushi:
javascript:void(0)

Useful...and unappetizing

Anti-theft lunch bags. Brilliant! It's practical and slightly less revolting than the brief safe.

Sammy the Owl: hero to mascots everywhere

I'm not sure what's more more amazing: that a mascot got ejected from a game, or that he (she?) actually deserved it.

A good replay starts around the 1:40 mark.

SmartBeep

SmartBeep made some funny but definitely lowbrow commercials back in the day. But if I'm already talking about a street named Butts Wynd, I guess I've already conceded the genteel high ground.

Here is the blind date commercial that made them famous:


I'm not even sure what to say about this one:

But enough about real news

The New York Times did a hard hitting piece on streets and places in the UK with funny names. I smell a Pulitzer.

However, the Times overlooked my favorite street in Scotland, which my family happened upon on a golf vacation:

View Larger Map

Prozac poodle

Here is a thoroughly modern variation of Dog Bites Man.

Thanks to Eric for the tip.

Is it just me or have awards acceptance speeches really improved of late?

The mustache

A funny commercial that isn't from Australia

New Heineken commercial:

An oldy but a goody

This scene from The Naked Gun came up in a baseball conversation yesterday:


I'm not even going to bother to explain what's going on. I can't think of a better baseball scene in a movie. If you can, leave it in the comments or send me an email.

Rickey Henderson, the final steal of your career is my heart

The Hardball Times has a terrific article on Rickey Henderson's inevitable election to the baseball Hall of Fame today. In particular, the writer does a good job of putting Henderson's stolen base record in proper perspective:

Rickey Henderson's base stealing was the stuff of legend. If he had swiped just one more base, he would've had exactly 50 percent more steals than Lou Brock, his runner-up on the career leaderboard. Brock had 938, Henderson 1,406—an advantage of 49.89 percent. Henderson's lead amounts to approximately eight miles worth of stolen bases. (Yes, really.)

Let's compare that to other stats. It was quite a news story when Pete Rose became the all-time hit king over 20 years ago. To dominate that stat the way Rickey Henderson leads in stolen bases, Rose would need 6,241 hits—about 1,600 more than he actually had. Barry Bonds would need 1,125 homers.

Well, those guys merely topped their lists; they didn't dominate it. What about Nolan Ryan though? By acclamation the greatest strikeout artist of all time, he led the league in strikeouts 12 times, and no one has even remotely threatened his career pinnacle of 5,714 whiffs. Yet he would need over 500 more to have a 49.89 percent edge on second place Randy Johnson (who is still playing).

Growing up, Henderson was my favorite player. So much so that at one point I collected only his baseball card. I emulated his "snatch catch." I even got yelled at in little league for emulating his style of sliding into bases head first. So today, I salute you Rickey Henderson. Well done.

UPDATE: Reading the articles today about his election, I was reminded that Henderson is also notable for being one of the earliest adopters of talking about himself in third person. These days, so many athletes do it that we take it for granted. A good example can be found in this old New Yorker article: "Once, when he couldn’t find his limousine upon leaving a ballpark, he was heard saying, 'Rickey don’t like it when Rickey can’t find Rickey’s limo.'" If there's a Hall of Fame for doing violence to the English language, Rickey should be in on the first ballot.

For the sports fans among ye

Trade 10 "friends" for a Whopper

Funny promotion by Burger King. If you cut 10 friends from Facebook they will give you a free Whopper.

This seems short sighted

Another old commercial that has taken on an unintended meaning: